Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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