I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
