I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'