Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
