also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Randomize
