I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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