Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
