I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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