We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
