hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
