I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
soo... how was my night?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
