god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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