why do cheetos always look like penises
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
