I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
