Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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