Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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