I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
false alarm, still single
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