How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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