I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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