matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
