what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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