Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
