I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Two words: blizzard sex
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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