six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
