i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
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we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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