Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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