Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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