You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i've created a new STD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
These tits shall not be calmed
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I'm really busy with my period
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