Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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