final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Less talking, more tequila
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
