this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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