I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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