Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
