Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
