I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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