Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
