I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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