We need to rekindle our bromance
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
