he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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