My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
