fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i came on her dog
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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