I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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