in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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