I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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