what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
