I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
