when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
