i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
COCAINE IS GR8
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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