never play flip cup with pint glasses
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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