You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
