Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
