my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
