I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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