Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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