I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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