I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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